Last Saturday night my best friend and long time adventure companion Rich Beckman died suddenly. We still don’t know why, and even after the autopsy is completed in several months we may not have a definitive answer. All I know for certain is that night he, some friends and I had a few beers after work and Rich appeared in top form. He regaled us all with some of his horror stories from Covid and we made plans for future bike rides and maybe a spring snowboard trip. Now if I do any of those things he can only be with me heavily in spirit.

This profound loss has left me somewhat fractured. I feel halfway between swearing off alcohol and nicotine and starting two-a-days at the gym, or throwing myself off of a tall building. To be clear, the second option is entirely not a possibility,  I only use it as a metaphor to illustrate how broken I feel. The strange thing is I feel mostly unable to express this feeling in a physical way. I generally avoid emotional displays and I’d like to keep my behavior as cerebral as possible. I’ve had a few breakdowns in the past, and I want to do anything I can from becoming unhinged. Unfortunately a complete dedication to physical health seems almost unlikely as suicide, but maybe I can make small steps towards self improvement, beginning with writing this.

I met Rich while taking smoke breaks during our Microbology class in my prerequisites for nursing. Rich got an A in the class and I barely snuck by with a B. This is a fact of which he rarely would hesitate to remind me. We talked about our love of snowboarding, and that winter I helped him get a job teaching snowboarding at Snow Summit in Big Bear. I don’t teach snowboarding professionally any more, but his Mom told me that he was planning to work up there again next winter. Rich didn’t need the money or the free lift pass, but he loved an audience.

He was always looking for an opportunity to entertain and to help. Service to the community had been a lifelong passion of his, from his time in the Army, as a firefighter and paramedic and most recently performing emergency medical technician duties in the hospital. He was pursuing a Master’s degree in medical diagnostics, mostly with the hope of improving his odds for acceptance into a physician assistant program.

His professional acumen does not truly define him because above all Rich was a comedian. In virtually any situation he was looking for a laugh. If he didn’t make a joke I usually felt like he was just setting me up to deliver the punchline. Like most comedians he also carried an air of confidence in his insecurities. He wasn’t afraid to admit that he felt disappointed in his ability to find a wife or sire a child. He felt something must be fundamentally wrong to not have been accepted into PA school but he still pursued it with fierce determination. He compensated for these self perceived flaws by flexing his biggest muscle, his mind. Rich had taken a series of advanced calculus courses and found a plethora of inopportune times to share equations with friends and acquaintances, even after we had made it abundantly clear that we had no desire for this knowledge.

Everything fun I like to do outdoors was better with Rich along. He could snowboard anywhere on the mountain and had a bag full of buttery tricks and nose rolls. I usually had to wait for him a little bit at the bottom, but he always made the lift rides back up the highlights of the trip. The best thing about his snowboarding was that even at 48 years old he was always improving. When we first rode together he was very hesitant to go off a jump and now he would regularly do 180s and could pull a few grabs. He could link together some proper carved turns, which is something 90% of snowboarders don’t even realize they can’t do. In the summers we rode mountain bikes together a few times a month. I let him borrow a kayak one time and the next time we talked he’d already purchased his own so we could do more of that together too.

Now as I look forward to doing all these things that we loved I know that a particular piece of that joy won’t be with me. It is the nature of humanity to search for patterns and find meaning in the world. I’ve tried to make peace with this loss by seeing balance in the world through it. I believe that we cannot have miracles without tragedies. That rainbows would not exist without the preceding storm. For us to deeply savor great joy we must also know the bitterness of grief. But knowing this, doesn’t make it any better right now. All I can do in this moment is to be aware of my thoughts and emotions. Let the pain enter and recede and enter again. I can have faith that this cycle will improve over time and the happy times will gradually become longer than the sorrowful.

I’ve heard that there are several stages of grief. I’m not sure if they will all apply to me but I briefly wanted to flirt with anger. In this situation there is nothing to be angry at or with. Some might want to blame God and demand satisfaction from such a tragic and sudden death. How can someone so kind, hilarious, talented and smart be gone so suddenly? And why? I suppose the only meaning in life is that which we create for ourselves. I can also feel grateful for having him in my life at all. Six years ago Rich came about as close as possible to dying in a motorcycle accident. Everyday with him since then has been a miracle. The best I can do for now is to take steps that increase my wisdom and wellbeing.

I’d given Rich a copy of a book that I don’t think he ever read. The Power of Now by Ekart Tolle describes the author's pursuit of mindfulness meditation. In essence the practice is to recognize that your thoughts do not define you. To meditate is to focus on a period of time where you listen to your thoughts as an impartial observer, and then willfully allow them to pass along. This can be aided by sitting in a still area and focusing on your body. One internally assesses themselves and listens to their breath, breathing in and out with intention rather than letting the autonomic nervous system carry out the function. While doing this it is only natural that thoughts will enter one’s mind. The key is to hear them and let them go so you can resume focus on breathing. Some people also include a mantra, a simple saying or sound to help avoid the mind becoming obsessed with thought. A quote from the book summarizes “You'll soon realize: there is the voice, and here I am listening to it, watching it. This I am realization, this sense of your own presence, is not a thought. It arises from beyond the mind.”

Dealing with Rich’s loss has given me more desire to meditate and examine my own soul. I hope that other people going through this or similar grief can do so as well. I think as I go forward I am much more likely to follow up with my primary Dr. for a check up, quit smoking and reduce alcohol use, but I’m not completely confident just yet. It’s only been three days so far, at least I didn’t get drunk on one of them. In any case I believe that everything that happens in life is an opportunity to improve myself and gain wisdom and strength. I just wish this lesson didn’t have to hurt so much right now.

stream of consciousness for tonight

The fire burns

Consumes

It is all of me and none of me

Taking away

Sometimes to make room for new growth and

Sometimes it’s just destruction

I look back and wonder

At the charred remains

The regrets

Sometimes it’s just hopeless

Don’t tell me about self control

I can’t always be the firefighter

When sometimes I’m just the fire

I don’t don’t

I don’t want it to be like this

Just take your pills and everything will be alright?

Until when

What

Why

Don’t

Don’t tell me you have the answer

Don’t think that you know

Because the answers you have are the ones you found for yourself

They apply to you and you alone

The simple well

Wishes

And motivational sayings

Your proverbs

And rules

And guidance

They work for you

I’ll find mine

In mine

In the mine

Of my soul

Sometimes it’s just buried too deep

Let the rain fall

And the sun

Shine in

Tomorrow

......................................................

As always, Tom Gabel said it better... "the revolution was a lie." 

Some Nights

I don't want to write right now. I'd rather spend more and more time putting thoughts together and coming up with a final answer. A solution for the meaning of life and how to live it. What my own personal goals really are. I've noticed that most of my conversations never get as deep as I'd like them too. Sometimes I'm interrupted and don't fight to get back on the track I had going and sometimes I just need to guard myself.

My former fiance and I have been going through a break up that will never end and it's deeply hurting us both. I've told her some of my deepest fears and failures and she has later thrown them back in my face as insults. I've let her down emotionally, financially and otherwise, and these sins she has vowed not to forgive.

Right now is a very strange place in my life. I've made a commitment to pursue photography as my profession. It's a dream I've had since childhood that I was always afraid I could not achieve. The way I'm pursuing the dream now is not what I originally wanted but it is close enough and I hope it can lead closer to that original dream. Sometimes I think, oh shit, I'm really trying this time. I can fail, but that wouldn't be so terrible. But I won't fail unless I choose to give up.

My mother says there is no unforgivable sin. That when you make the pact to place faith in Jesus your soul will be eternally covered. I can remember being a young child, maybe even 6 or 7, and being worried that this was not so. There is a lot more to this deep feeling that I don't think I can uncover yet. Sometimes my life feels like a gift. Sometimes I feel like this life is a punishment for things I did in a previous life. Sometimes I think it is redemption.

Nate Ruess said it better.

I don't think I should be afraid to admit that this video made me cry:

Aimee Mann said it...

...and Paul Thomas Anderson made it better.

Identity

Finding identity may be one of the hardest things for someone with mental illness to do. For all people it may be one of the hardest things to nail down. Are we our jobs, our achievements, our dreams, or even the plain monotony of our everyday existence? What are we besides our actions, both what we have done in the past and what we are doing? My father has been working on his auto biography for some time under the working title “Deeds Not Words”. For someone in my position finding self can be harder than saying it’s what I have done. Should I define myself by some of my more outrageous actions under the throws of a manic episode or my complete apathy and despair while wallowing in depression?

For some time I have been haunted by the idea of destiny. The genes we are born with have some of the deepest effects on our personality. While a child is still young they exhibit signs of who they are and who they are to become. Even fraternal twins are often incredibly different people despite that they share many of the same experiences in their formidable years. The other major contributing factor to who we are comes from instances of chance beyond our control and how respond to them, although even these responses will tend to fall along patterns of behavior that developed before we knew ourselves.

I would like to believe that I am who I have been as much as whom I will myself to become. It is a terrible thing for someone to define themselves by a label that has been assigned to them. Diagnosis with mental illness is far different than any other form of malady. There is no blood test to determine, no brain scan to show, or visible wounds to diagnose the demons that afflict us.

“No man really knows about other human beings. The best he can do is to suppose that they are like himself.” John Stienbeck wrote that in  The Winter of Our Discontent and it has stuck with me ever since. Mental illness often leads to isolation. For months, even years on end I can lead a “normal” life. On the outside I probably appear much like any one else. But occasionally I enter mania; my actions stray outside of society’s acceptable limits. While I feel elated inside every one around me suddenly no longer knows who I am. Eventually I come back down to normal and my family and friends (those I haven’t driven away in the process) breathe a sigh of relief. Normal for me is ok, but I miss my wild side and even hold onto some of the delusions I experienced. And suddenly I feel that the people around me are not like myself. So begins the cycle of depression and isolation.  

Maybe none of us really know ourselves. Deep down below the layers of actions and thoughts is something our minds cannot fully fathom. As a race we have sought to add meaning to our existence and to understand ourselves in terms of where we have come from and where we are going. The culture of the western world is shifting towards a faith in science, where only what can be quantified and repeatedly tested can be trusted. Throughout history every religion has appreciated a metaphysical connection to something we feel but can barely describe or understand.

The journey to finding me is long and nowhere near over, but at this juncture I am certain of several things. I am more than a collection of genetic information. I am more than the chemical reactions and seemingly random synapses that occur in my brain. I am more than a label. I am a soul and I am not alone. 

This guy said it better

"We have another name for recovery, bored."

I identified with that statement so much that I laughed when I heard it. I'm researching for my next article and found this. I think he sums up my condition better than almost anything I've heard before. I will definitely be looking at bipolaradvantage.com a lot more in the future.

Finding Direction

I've been reading my friend Matti's blog, http://breathebrattleboro.blogspot.com/, for about three months now and it is inspiring me to take this blog in a new, and actually focused, direction. His blog deals directly with mental illness and the recovery process. Until reading his blog I never thought about bi-polar as something to recover from but just something I had to deal with. While I will likely need to manage my illness for the rest of my life using medication, he points out that there are other avenues to pursue such as fitness and support groups. They are suggestions I've heard of before but maybe the message didn't get through to me because I wasn't ready, or maybe just because they weren't from someone I knew.

I think I would like to use my blog in a similar fashion, as a way to communicate my experiences with mental illness with others so they can help themselves along their path to recovery as well. Additionally, "I've seen and experienced things" that I think are worth sharing, if for nothing more than entertainment value. I don't want this to become some narcissistic "look at me" kind of blog though and aim to have a good balance of researched and informative posts along with self reflective guides on my recovery.

I think my current readership is mostly just four people, my former fiance, mother, brother, and some guy I don't even know. It would be nice to know if there is anyone else out there reading this and I plan on trying to expand my audience with this new focus in mind. If I don't start posting here on a regular basis (at minimum twice a month) then I would like someone to email or speak to me so that I can be motivated and held accountable to this goal.

A time for?

Sometime in my senior year of high school I dropped out. Not in the traditional sense of leaving school unfinished or even in a way that was noticeable to most people but in a much deeper and profound way. I had evaluated the world and humanity as a whole and decided I wanted no part of the global conditions which we created. There is pollution and wars and such, but it was the realization of the barbarism inherent in the human condition that made me want to push away. It's not that I hate people, it's that I hate what we've become.

I examined the world from my privileged position and could find no emotion but guilt. I sat in the lap of comparitve luxury, reminded to finish all the food on my plate because "other children in the world are starving." Maybe that's something that we all hear and subtly let go, but I couldn't. I realized that the only way I could enjoy the life of nice shoes and new clothes was due to another person on the other side of the world toiled to make them for me. And the price I paid for even one pair of jeans was more than the months salary of the man, woman or child that made them. All that separated me from them was the good fortune of being on one continent rather than another. Seemingly every time I dressed, used a cheap piece of electronics or threw away scraps of food in my soul I knew that someone else sacrificed for these. How could we see the equality of all humans and still willfully exploit the situation of those across the globe? The weight became too much to bare.

Some would say who we are is brought about by the natural course of evolution.  In a world where survival is a matter of besting the competition it is only rational that mankind would seek to dominate one another. For ages we have boasted our superiority as justification for the destruction of other species, cultures and races. But now where are we? The human race is now acutely aware of our world on a massive scale. While we still divide the world on arbitrary borders of nations we know now, more than ever that we are really just one species, on one world all struggling to survive. We've determined that all are men are created equal, but what we really mean is that they are equal so long as they live in the same nation.

I assumed in my youth that there was nothing anyone could do about it. On one hand I could enjoy the hand I was dealt, only a fool would throw away such luck. In the other, how could I participate in such exploitation? Frankly I didn't have the guts to walk away from my birth right but I sure didn't have the stomach to enjoy it.

Having kids changes things. I hate the unsustainable exploitation that our country runs on, yet I have children here and there's no leaving it all behind now. Non participation is no longer an option. So I am looking for a real job and a place in this society, but I know that I will need more than begrudging my place in the world. I will not feel right unless I make some effort to change the way the world works.

At a later time I will start to work this out a bit better and explain myself. Yes, I know competition brings out the best in us, and only with it can the best ideas, products and inventions emerge. Looking back on the last few years I've considered socialism and its opposite, anarchy but nothing sticks. I can't really conceive a way to ethically enforce the obligation of others to share, yet morally I cannot peacefully live knowing that the ease of my existence is borne on the backs of those less fortunate. At least some research is due on the topic because I'm sure someone else already said it better.

5150

I had one of the worst experiences of my life a couple weeks ago, while under the care of the Arrowhead Regional Medical Clinic Department of Behavioral Health. I checked in voluntarily but soon found my self on lock down. I was stripped of my clothes and given paper replacements. The area was crammed tight with a dozen men that I could hardly find appreciation for, and certainly not trust. We all suffered from a list of maladies such as paranoid delusions, a desire to hurt ourselves or others and generally not interfacing well with the “normal” members of society. I have since felt compelled to write a brief descriptions of these events, hoping it will someday help me or someone else deal with similar issues.

The incident began with an argument with my fiance Heather. I couldn't stand the arguing anymore so I took off with a bottle of wine to reflect on the situation. Later that night I started getting very confused and ended up taking a few puffs of marijuana. The next morning I wanted to avoid Heather before leaving for work so I foolishly left our 22 month old daughter, Sophia alone without a diaper eating a banana. I figured that my mother in law to be would be up any minute and would simply find her munching on a banana and happily watching Barney. No matter how I justified this it was a ridiculously terrible mistake.

The next day I found out that Heather would no longer talk to me, primarily due to the way I left Sophia as well as our ongoing arguments. The guilt from my mistake combined with what seemed like the final loss of someone I deeply love severely impacted my mental sate. What followed over the next several days was a complete mental break down. My body was constantly racked with a host of terrible emotions. First was that Sophia had actually died due to my negligence. This feeling haunted me for several days and when I tried to sort it out I became confused and overcome with emotion. There were times when I was really sure that she was dead, and possibly my whole family including Heather and her mom. Words cannot describe the anguish that I experienced.

With this fear came the thought of my execution. Certainly I deserved punishment for letting my daughter die. In the locked down facility I felt trapped as a prisoner, and felt sure that I was being put to death in the most humane punishment possible. I feared sleep and didn’t have the bravery to accept my fate, several times I half heart-idly attempted to escape. The first night they had to have 10 men hold me down so that I could be injected with a sedative.

The next day went mostly well, although I was able to find a bit of strength at resisted a strong arm attempt by several men to beat me and rob me of my cigarettes. That night new horrors awaited me.  At some point I became convinced the zombie apocalypse was upon us. They had drawn my blood, and that of everyone else on check in. Some were now being released. I was terrified that I had the disease.  Several men in the unit slept all day long and I began to become convinced that they were the walking dead. So I planned escape in the event that I had to flee.

I took several bed sheets from other rooms and tied them together in my bathroom.  If the unit was put on lock down I would break out the window of my room with a chair and climb the sheet rope to freedom. I think one of the other men in the word saw my paranoia and decided to play it against me. He told me that the hospital we were in was a FEMA concentration camp and that the reason some people were leaving the ward was so they could clear out as much room as possible to start bringing in dead bodies.

Just after that we had a smoke break. My dad had brought in a fresh pack of smokes for me and I passed them out to about 12 people for us all to enjoy. The man who sparked the FEMA conspiracy in my mind came to the door as we were out on the patio, totally enclosed and locked in except for a few windows, and waved goodbye to me with a sly smile. I watched as he walked quietly away and down a corridor that was usually guarded by the staff. I lost it.

Anxiety and adrenaline rushed through my veins. i turned around to the smokers behind and yelled out, “THIS IS IT! WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE NOW! WHO’S COMING WITH ME?”. Of course there were no takers so I grabbed the closest chair and swung with all my might against the window. With the second strike the window popped out and I climbed through it. The staff came rushing around the corner and in an instant I realized that I was wrong. Again I was pinned down and sedated.

The next day I was transferred to a nicer facility where we had daily group meetings and I felt much more comfortable with the staff and my fellow patients. I was prescribed new drugs and found peace while reading the bible. The most important lessons I learned in this ordeal were to stay on my psychiatric medications and to daily read the bible to further the strength of my faith in God the Father, Jesus and the Holy Ghost.

Outlook improving

Dictionary.com's definition reads:

cap·i·tal·ism

   [kap-i-tl-iz-uhm]  Show IPA

noun

an economic system in which investment in and ownership of themeans of production, distribution, and exchange of wealth is made and maintained chiefly by private individuals or corporations,especially as contrasted to cooperatively or state-owned meansof wealth.

The primary concern of many caring souls in the 21st century is the increasing gap between the rich and the poor. Entire cultures starve to death on one side of the world while others haplessly dispose of their excess. Even in the blessed west low wage earners and the unemployed strain to see the virtues of their society when weighed against the corpulence of the wealthy and arguably the ruling class.

While a true caste system may not exist in the United States, and of course it is still possible to rise from meager means into extravagance, the consciousness of the in-justness perpetuated by capitalism is beginning to take foot.

For now, someone said it better:
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/09/opinion/sunday/protesters-against-wall-street.html?_r=2&src=tp

Space to Waste

Brought to the forefront of my imagination is the concept that I must find a way to participate in this world in a meaningful way. I refuse to accept that there can be nothing new under the sun. I’m not sure that I will find the way, given that I typically lack the ambition to fully engage the world. The world just never seems to respond. For all my words and photos all I usually get in return is an occasional “like”.

Meaningless meaningless, everything is meaningless says the teacher.  A futile waste of a man’s days? Surely my fate will bare no better than a liar or cynic, perhaps because that is what I’ve become. Maybe not so much on the lying part. Maybe I should find some bad man to murder so that I can dutifully earn my death.

So… what to do? I can hardly stand the thought of taking orders and smiling as I deliver courses of food high on calories and low on content. I love exploration and kindness, but the photo industry is already saturated with a gaggle of producers more talented than I. If nothing else I will find my motivation in a family that needs me. The problem is I need them in a much different way. I need a crew that will follow me into the world with the open eyes and kind hearts. They are coming along just fine, but not yet ready.

The job boards and sites on end bring me to my knees. All I see are postings for cogs in the machine. Most of these systems I would gladly see burned to the ground. My heart aches for a reconnection with the hard life. Wandering under the sun searching for some plot of land that I can pretend no man has seen before. Such places may not exist, but when I’m out there it doesn’t matter. Somewhere the rainbow does end.

I don’t really regret compiling my experiences so they would look good on a resume. I’ve lived my life the way I want to, and now I’m paying the cost for it. Unemployed in a corner of Southern California surrounded by zombies. It’s much easier to not care about decrypt people when you believe they don’t have a soul.

Still I will put my feet in front of me. How could I let myself stop? For the lack of hope for a purpose, never. The adventure draws me to the next opportunity. I pray that when I reach it the man will deem me qualified for his assignment.

Talley ho!

Apocalypse Tomorrow

In the Galaxy the Milky Way, eight planets circle a single sun.  Three are barren rocky masses, either too hot or to cold to hold even a drop of liquid water.  Four are giant balls of gas, with no firm ground or distinguishable surface whatsoever.  But there is one, blue and shining, a singular oasis capable not only of supporting life but allowing it to flourish.  On this planet, 3 billion years ago life burst forth and has continued to progress despite several bumps in the road.  250 million years ago 95 percent of all life was extinguished, likely brought on by climate change caused by volcanic eruptions and sudden changes in ocean chemistry.  65 million years ago the planet was struck by an asteroid, again causing massive climate change and killing off the ruling species of the time, the dinosaurs. Today the world is beginning a new change in climate, this time not brought on by natural events or a foreign object of destruction, but created by the one species that has the most to lose.  The human race has longed viewed its survival and judged its progress by the extent to which it has been able to shape the world in its own image. In order to carry on, society must now experience a paradigm shift about the way it understands and interacts with the world.  To continue with the same mind set is to allow the creation of a cycle that will again change the face of the world, and the planet will again see its most powerful species vanish from existence.

Anthropologists estimate that the first beings recognizable as human roamed the earth from between three and four million years ago.  Evidence suggests that they were primarily nomadic hunter/gatherers that used simple tools.  They spread from centralAfrica throughout the world, likely driven by an expanding population that caused a shortage of resources such as easily attainable food.

As populations grew it became harder to sustain their numbers through finding food and people began to organize so that they could control their food supply. This shift, known as the Neolithic Revolution, was one of the most dramatic changes in human history.

With the shift to producing food the human adaptive system was fundamentally changed.  Settlement mobility, population stability, conservation of resources, low energy requirements and general system equilibrium were replaced by settlement permanence, population growth, intensified exploitation of resources, escalation of energy needs and general system disequilibrium. (Henry 3)

In other words, the way that humanity understood and interacted in the world changed dramatically, something known as a paradigm shift.  The power to organize went beyond simply bringing resources together and included actually creating new ones.  Early societies created new breeds of animals to take on the labor burdens that cultivating land requires.  They created hybrids of plants to bare them more fruitful crops. They carved out the earth to bring water into arid landscapes.  In essence, humanity went from a participant in the world to a creator of it.  For millions of years evolution dictated that different species evolve in harmony, suddenly one of these animals took it upon themselves to change things as they saw fit.

This new archetype proved quite prosperous for Homo Sapiens.  They went on to occupy every corner of the Earth and increased in population at a steady rate.  However, expanding populations tended to stick closer to the previous model of hunting and gathering, a method of sustenance that can actually be more preferable if adequate natural resources exist.  Populations that remained stationary were forced to become more innovative and create technology to make more efficient use of limited space.

When Europe happened upon America in 1492 not only did two different peoples confront each other, but two different ways of understanding the world.  Columbus carried with him a command from the Christian faith, "God blessed them and said to them, 'Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it." (Genesis 1:27)  This quote explains western thought with terrifying simplicity.  Columbus and the inheritors of his legacy believe that God wants them to conquer the world.  The people native to the American continent had no such proclamation from their deities and instead were simply seeking to coexist in a world full of life that was just as sacred as their own.  Western thought was already finely tuned to dominate the world.  When it encountered a less sophisticated methodology there was only one answer, assimilate or die.

     By the year 1760 humankind had once again begun to face the problem of an expanding population and diminishing resources.  Even the horse and the ox were showing the limits of their productivity and a new source of power would need to be harnessed so that society could continue to thrive.  The answer this time would again be found in the structure of society as well as the unlocking of new resources.

     Times of great struggle often end in revolution. The nation of Great Britain found a solution for the world in innovations of organization that would come to be known as the Industrial Revolution.  It began with the English Government consolidating farms into larger collectives that could be worked by fewer people (Hooker).  Efficiency in agriculture also arose from new knowledge that the fertility of land could be replenished by alternating crops (Montagna).  The newly displaced work force was forced from the country side into newly founded urban centers powered by large factories.  Previously the economy had been based around the family unit, with families either farming or specializing in a specific trade such as wagon wheel making (Hooker). 

     The Industrial Revolution brought about changes in social structure, technological innovations and a new economic system, capitalism, which created a chain reaction leading to massive population growth.  In a family based economy people are only motivated to produce enough to maintain their quality of life, but in an industrial economy a person must create more than they use.  This surplus is what provides a profit for the business owners and allows for growth. Capitalism demands growth, an ideal that humanity has long treasured.  With the dawning of this new age humanity was finally able to enlarge its population to heights previously unimagined and fulfill its destiny as commanded by God to "fill the Earth and subdue it."

     The population of the planet hit the one billion mark sometime in the 19^th century.  By the year 2000 that mark had increased over six fold.  During the Industrial Revolution society had learned to harness new resources in order to meet its expanding energy needs. 

     Eons ago plant life died and became trapped beneath the surface of the earth.  Normally the carbon dioxide in these materials would be released gradually into the atmosphere through a cycle that has been honed by the forces of nature.  Mankind assumes instead that these resources exist purely for its own exploitation and has not hesitated to release them as the will of capitalism sees fit.  Judging right and wrong by the standard of economic progress, the world is now being transformed in ways that go beyond the control of life and death and have grown to encompass the renovation of the entire ecosystem.  It would seem that humanity's penchant for understanding the ways in which it can change the world has outpaced its ability to fully understand the consequences of these changes.

     Fortunately, society is not entirely blind to the changes that the planet is experiencing.  The mean temperature of the surface of the Earth has increased 1˚F in the last 40 years (EPA).  While this may not seem like much the temperature it can be better understood as a metaphor in the human body.  A change of 1˚F will leave a person feeling quite sick, two or three will send them to the hospital.  This is partly to blame from an accumulation of green house gasses in the atmosphere. Using ice core samples scientists have been able to determine increases in several specific gasses from pre-industrial times. Carbon Dioxide has increased 36% and is continuing to rise (EPA). Methane has increased 148% and is at levels in the atmosphere that the Earth has not seen in 650,000 years (EPA).  Nitrous Oxide has gone up 18% in the last 200 years, a chemical that has varied only slightly in the 11,500 years preceding this (EPA).  While it remains unclear what all of these changes will lead to humanity is beginning to realize that it is having a much more profound impact on the planet than was previously considered.

     Since world war two America has lead the way in consumption and it is only now seeing this change as "China has now overtakenAmerica as the world's leading resource consumer." (Brown) However, this is only an assessment of China's current gross consumption.  If economic growth allows China to reach per capita consumption equal to the U.S., China will consume two thirds of the world's current grain output and double the current world wide paper production by 2031.(Brown)  In the past economic growth has been fueled by increasing production from natural resources.  As the population grows at what point will the earth no longer be able to provide enough of the raw resources necessary to accommodate modern living?

     The answer to this is the Earth's carrying capacity, or "The maximum number of individuals of a given species that can be supported...on a sustainable basis"(McConeghy). There are varying estimates of the earth's carrying capacity for Homo Sapiens.  If all people lived the same lifestyle as the average American then the earth could support between 2 billion to 4 billion people (McConeghy).  This presents a startling problem.  Global communication has circulated the "American Dream" throughout the entire world, but it is impossible for everyone to actually live this out. As people live with the knowledge that someone else out there lives a markedly better life, resentment is bound to grow and conflict will be the natural result.

     There are only a limited number of solutions to this.  The first is to sustain the status quo as closely as possible.  This would mean keeping nations such as China as poor as possible, leaving the resources that they would consume available to the west.  However, even with things the way they are the environment is being taxed at levels that aren't sustainable.  Another solution is for the west to sacrifice its current way of life as unfair to the rest of the world and therefore unethical.  Of course this is about as likely as having everyone in America share a bedroom with an immigrant just because they felt sorry for them.  The most idealistic solution would be for the world populace to limit itself.  However, it is almost exclusively in developed nations where this is even reasonable and only 15 percent of the world comes close to meeting that requirement. 

Optimists believe that the human race will find an answer to these problems through technological innovation and adaptation. After all humanity has made such dramatic strides in the last 100 years that there is a track record of success.  After observing my brethren for the last 28 years I have come to the conclusion that our growth in technology has outpaced our expansion of philosophy and this will lead to a very painful right of passage for the human race. 

People have learned to exploit every resource on the face of this planet including ourselves.  Selfishness without regard for human life was a founding principle of the United States in the institution of slavery.  While the nation opened its eyes to the depravity of this situation we did not end it.  Instead we exported it to foreign countries so that we would no longer be forced to bare the moral burden of its practice before our eyes.  We shipped the low paying jobs to nations without laws to protect the poor and meek, so that they could put their children to work and allow their men and women to rot for wages barely enough to fill their bellies and put rags on their shoulders.  And we called this progress and fair competition in the name of capitalism.

We have rushed out to rip every drop of oil and coal from the crust of the earth, things we know that when released will only put the world in greater peril.  When some ask for conservation of wild lands in Alaska even more scream back "drill baby drill!" to hell with the moose and the caribou, this land is ours.

Ours?  The next revolution must be one of the spirit.  People must look out and see a world that needs to be cared for, not conquered.  We must see that our neighbors are the people who live in the continents around us not just the ones who live next door.  We must grasp that all of the life on this planet is a sacred treasure.  But most of all we must come to the sobering realization that we live on a small and lonely planet, a singular oasis in a universe that holds no other options.

Works Cited and Consulted

Brown, Lester R. "A New World Order" guardian.co.uk 22 November 2008. < http://www.guardian.co.uk

/society/2006/jan/25/china.guardiansocietysupplement>

Daily, Gretchen C., and Ehrlich, Paul R. "Population, Sustainability, and Earth's Carrying Capacity". 22 November 2008. <http://www.dieoff.org/page112.htm>

EPA. Climate Change. 16 November 2008.http://www.epa.gov/climatechange/index.html

Henery, Donald O. From Foraging to Agriculture. University   ofPennsylvania Press, 1989.

Hooker, Richard. "The Industrial Revolution". The European Enlightenment. 16 November 2008.http://www.wsu.edu/~dee/ENLIGHT/INDUSTRY.HTM

"Industrial Revolution," Microsoft® Encarta® Online Encyclopedia 2008 © 1997-2008 Microsoft Corporation.

McConeghy, Dr. "Carrying Capacity". 17 November 2008.<http://mmcconeghy.com/students/supcarryingcapacity.html>

.. -->[if !supportLists]-->1)  .. -->[endif]-->Shah, Anup. "Consumption and Consemerism". Globalissues.org. 16 November 2008http://www.globalissues.org/issue/235/consumption-and-consumerism

Quinn, Daniel. Ishmael. New York: Bantam Books (1992)