My former fiance and I have been going through a break up that will never end and it's deeply hurting us both. I've told her some of my deepest fears and failures and she has later thrown them back in my face as insults. I've let her down emotionally, financially and otherwise, and these sins she has vowed not to forgive.
Right now is a very strange place in my life. I've made a commitment to pursue photography as my profession. It's a dream I've had since childhood that I was always afraid I could not achieve. The way I'm pursuing the dream now is not what I originally wanted but it is close enough and I hope it can lead closer to that original dream. Sometimes I think, oh shit, I'm really trying this time. I can fail, but that wouldn't be so terrible. But I won't fail unless I choose to give up.
My mother says there is no unforgivable sin. That when you make the pact to place faith in Jesus your soul will be eternally covered. I can remember being a young child, maybe even 6 or 7, and being worried that this was not so. There is a lot more to this deep feeling that I don't think I can uncover yet. Sometimes my life feels like a gift. Sometimes I feel like this life is a punishment for things I did in a previous life. Sometimes I think it is redemption.
Nate Ruess said it better.
Some nights I stay up cashing in my bad luck.....
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LOL :) Pursue photography! It is your gift to this world! You will change the world with it! You've changed my world ;) Just this connection.
Other people....especially ex's who feel wronged...oh that's a big pile of shit that needs to be aired out. Not forgiving someone....I could never live that way. Humans are just that - human and we hold grudges and have egos and we have been taught to do so. One thing you can do is be true to yourself, walk through all that fear, have sympathy for your ex and the way she is choosing to live holding onto such pain (that's called suffering! Fuck that! Maybe one day she can let that pain go).....and be the example little Sophia will look up to and go "Wow....that's how I want to tackle life too."
I'll see ya for Xmas!
When are ya gonna write more?
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