Never give your best away.

I thought about posting these stories on the Daily Press web site, but I found that just writing them down was good enough.  It would have been an epic way to quit this job though.

White House - President Barak Obama encouraged the nation to pray for dead presidents, during a speech in honor of President’s day.
“I know all you folks out there and ya’ll are pretty much depending on me to fix this stuff”, Obama said.
“However, most of you know that there ain’t all that much I can do to control the economy, make my buddy Rahm behave himself or even pull my own head out of my posterior. All you niggas out there aught to stop whining about what I’m doing or what I’m not and just start praying fo Dead Presidents.”
The nation was almost left speechless after the display of such honesty, especially as it was coming from a politician.
Even the conservative pundit Glen Beck had to give the President some “props”.
“All I can say is wow, America. This is the kind of fair and balanced reporting that we wish we could do here on Fox News, unfortunately most of us have been unable to remove our heads from our rear ends as well, which has basically led to a lot of crap coming out of people’s mouths a whole heck of a lot.”, Beck said.


Victorville - Authorities are searching for an area man, whom they consider armed and extremely dangerous.
Matthew Joel Nabors, 30, was last seen leaving the office of the Daily Press in a blue Toyota Matrix. The vehicle does not belong to him.
He is described as a pink male human, 250 pounds with blonde hair, blue eyes and a flair for the dramatic.
It is unknown where he is heading but authorities encourage anyone who spots him to call 911.
“That boy ain’t right.” according to his Psychoanalyst Dr. Nick Arthur.
It is believed that a long brewing argument with his fiancé Heather Bowman has caused him to go “over the edge”, according to a witness who asked to remain anonymous for fear of his safety.
Authorities are particularly concerned as Mr. Nabors is known to associate with some pretty rough characters.
A post on facebook by one of his friends reads as follows: “If I didn't have plans for the day already I would bring my pile of guns and go shooting with you.”
When asked for comment about his future plans Matthew stated simply, “Well now it's Sunday and I "have" to go to work. FML.”